Fanfiction...and other crap by Diandra Hollman

I need to apologize for being so absent lately. I feel really bad for disappearing without a word. I know it sounds lame to say "life has just been crazy", but...well, it has. I've been working more hours, getting ready for the holidays (which involves at least three separate Christmas and New Year's celebrations as well as hours of working on homemade gifts) and spending what little spare time I have left with a friend who is dying. I can't really promise I will be back anytime soon, but I CAN promise that I am TRYING. I'm lugging my folder full of fanfiction everywhere and pouncing on any opportunity I can get to write. I am working on all unfinished stories...just very slowly.

In the meantime, here is my latest round of movie reviews. Hopefully the next round will have more Brad Pitt in it. ;)
 

A New Kind of Love - Complete and utter fluff. But cute fluff. Cute fluff staring Paul Newman. Need I say more?

What's Up Doc? - Okay, so this is fluff too, but it's good screwball fluff with a better storyline and great dialogue so you don't have to switch your brain completely off.
    Barbara Streisand: "Love means never having to say you're sorry!"
    Ryan "Love Story" O'Neal: "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard"
Thank you for validating that opinion, writers.

The Rookie - A Disney film about a former baseball player trying out for the leagues. So basically it's a sappy little "feel good" cookie cutter of a movie that has been sanitized to within an inch of its life. I kind of watched this to see if I could handle sitting through a baseball movie before attempting "Moneyball". I think the experiment might have failed. Or maybe not since I'll probably see "Moneyball" anyway because...because...do I need a reason?

The Prestige - I was hoping this would make more sense the second time around. And it did...sort of. Except I'm still not sure who the guy who was shot at the end was, really. And I don't think I'm supposed to because I'm pretty sure HE didn't know who he was either. Curse you, Nolan, for your awesome ability to totally fuck with your viewers' heads! [four months later] Never mind. I get it now. He was basically a clone. I think. Nolan may be the biggest sci-fi nerd who ever nerded and that makes him and his movies AWESOME. (Sidenote: in a match between Bale's Batman and Wolverine, I'd totally root for Wolverine).

The Book of Eli - At first glance this seems like a two hour promotion of religion. But when you think about it...religious texts were burned in this post-apocalyptic universe because the war that nearly wiped out humanity supposedly started as a religious battle (as basically EVERY war has). Gary Oldman's character is determined to get the last copy of the Christian bible, not because he believes a word in it but because he could have power and control over people if he had it (much like the church today). In the end, that book is only one of the dozens rescued in an effort to preserve all human knowledge and literature. It's like a black Mad Max stumbled into the sequel to Fahrenheit 451. And it works. Kind of. Then again, this is Denzel Washington we're talking about so it might have been meant as a two hour promotion of religion after all.

Thor - Um...okay. This is like "Speed Racer" all over again in the sense that I get the impression the writers/director/whoever weren't quite sure who their audience was - children or comic book geeks - and they hoped that throwing enough special effects at you to send you into an epileptic fit would distract you enough that you didn't notice. Except this one comes across looking like a high school play with a REALLY big budget.

Enigma - There are literally thousands of stories that could be made into books/movies/tv shows about World War II. This is probably not one of the more memorable ones, but it's interesting. Also: Kate Winslet.

The Holocroft Covenant - This seems like a really simple story for a movie based on a Robert Ludlum novel. Almost a throwaway. It works nicely as a follow up to "Enigma" though since it's also all about covert spy stuff and Nazis but AFTER the war. Also: Michael Cain.

Hors de Prix (Priceless) - I think my standards may have been lowered when it comes to French movies. Critics in this country always rave about foreign films that bore me to tears, so I'm just thrilled when one DOESN'T. If this movie were in English I would probably call it a mediocre romantic comedy with very shallow, bitchy characters.

The List of Adrian Messenger - So this seems like another very simple mystery, but the main "bad guy" character keeps changing identities so frequently that you actually have to be paying very close attention. Of course, most of the fun in it comes from trying to identify all the heavily disguised famous people doing cameos. I was absolutely confident that Frank Sinatra was Tony Curtis.

28 Days Later - I watched this shortly after reading "World War Z". The two combined may have forever changed my opinions on zombie stories. I used to think they were the dumbest, least scary of all horror movie monsters. Once you start thinking of zombieism as a contagion that turns its victims into mindless carriers (like many disturbingly real parasites in the animal kingdom), it's actually kind of scary. Especially here where they move FAST and the infection spreads and takes over the host in seconds. More importantly, the story has potential to be about more than just "dead people crawl out of graves and shuffle around moaning". It can be about relationships and psychology and political environments and global cultures. It can actually be GOOD.

Oh God! You Devil - Okay, the first one was awesome and full of great lines. The second one was pretty much a lazy coda of the first. This one was just ridiculous and poorly acted and WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING RUINING A GOOD THING LIKE THAT?!

The Omen - Yeah, I loves me some Gregory Peck, but...I don't do well with movies about demonic possession. Mainly because I don't believe in the devil. And I especially don't do well with slow-moving movies about demonic possession wherein the music is creepier than anything that is actually happening on the screen. However, this is one of those movies that's good to know for cultural literacy because I started seeing references to it immediately.

Laura - Oh, I've seen this before! She's trying to collect insurance on her dead husband by murdering him and making it look like an accident. No...wait...they used to be lovers and now the Nazis are after her husband...no, that's not it either. Something about a Maltese Falcon? No? Then I'm not really sure this movie deserves the title of "ultimate film noir" because I'm pretty sure those movies were better. Or at least more memorable.

Paranormal Activity - I really should have known better than to watch this all alone in an empty house when the sun was going down. On the week of Halloween. I spent the rest of the night jumping out of my skin every time a dust bunny floated just past my eyeline. Hitchcock was right: the things you don't see really can be scarier than the things you do.

One of Our Dinosaurs is Missing - Peter Ustinov as a Chinese leader seems like ridiculous casting until you realize he was the master of accents. And it's a screwball comedy so the ridiculousness of the accent just makes it funnier.

Guns of Navarone - A bit long for a straight up, simple war movie with no character subplot whatsoever, but they got so many A-list actors (who are all a little too old for their parts, but whatever) that it's mostly forgivable. If it was a little shorter it would be perfect.

Moliere - This was like the French version of "Shakespeare in Love", but better because it wasn't a showcase for an actress who appears to be carved entirely from wood. I like it.

Rendition - If this movie had been about a half hour shorter, it would have been a perfect statement on the atrociousness of our post 9/11 policies regarding suspected terrorists and how they can turn perfectly innocent people into enemies. Unfortunately, by the time they got around to making that statement, I suspect half the audience was asleep.

Murder 101 - As simple, throwaway movies go, this was highly watchable. I know that's not the most glowing review, but really, I'd watch it again sometime down the road.

Deliverance - Note to self: when the movie says "starring Burt Reynolds" RUN THE OTHER WAY. It's nice to finally get all those pop culture references, but this movie was removed from my collection so fast it left skid marks.

Goodbye Mr. Chips - How can something that looks like it's going to be nothing more than a musical fluff piece turn into such a downer? Not sure the music is all that notable either. But the scenery is gorgeous!

Love is a Many Splendored Thing - More gorgeous scenery, but...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Red Eye - Well, that was...something. A mostly ridiculous something riddled with implausible leaps of logic, but it was something. The fact that the smart, capable hero of the story was a woman makes it a little less cliche (and her a little more awesome), but it's not quite enough to make the whole thing not look like a bad action movie.

Can-Can - You would think if you were going to set a movie in France you would do at least a little research on French history or culture or language pronunciation or...anything really. But then you wouldn't be a Hollywood filmmaker in the 1950s. "Eh, just slap an Eiffel Tower and a Pepe LePew accent on it and call it French". Also, have Frank Sinatra singing. That'll get people to watch this half-ass movie about a big scandal that never happened and probably couldn't have because French people have never been nearly as prudish as Americans (and if it did it probably involved MEN, not women).

Music of the Heart - Wait, this was directed by Wes Craven? I mean...nice little story that manages NOT to fall into the usual formula when it comes to romantic subplots (possibly because it's based on a true story?), but...Wes Craven? The guy whose only other non-horror directing credit is a segment of "Paris, Je T'aime" that takes place entirely in a graveyard? Really? [Full disclosure: I had to look up which segment of "Paris" he did. I assumed it was the weird-ass vampire segment because it's WES CRAVEN FOR GOD'S SAKE.] Oh, and I still love Meryl. I especially love her as a "I don't take any shit from bratty kids" teacher (even if she is meek when it comes to dealing with other adults).

Save the Last Dance - Predictable to the point of cheesy fluff? Yes. But I really liked the main characters regardless of whether some of their dialogue made a lick of sense, so I'd call it good cheesy fluff. Also, the dance sequences were good enough to make me tolerate rap music, which is a minor miracle in itself. I guess I always assumed hip hop dancing was just random gyrating with a few athletic maneuvers tossed in randomly (and maybe a cool Michael Jackson step here and there for shits and giggles). Seeing it broken down into individual, surprisingly quasi-traditional yet more fluid steps makes it seem...kind of awesome.

A Christmas Carol - I've had this movie for years and somehow never watched it. I mean, it's probably not my favorite Christmas story, but Alistair Sim does such a great "my life has been turned upside down! Wheeeeeehahahahahahaha!" act that it's adorable.

Miracle on 34th Street - Still one of the best Christmas classics. "It's a Wonderful Life" is okay, but this? Sweet, cheerful and just as good the fifth time as the first.

The Nutcracker - Note to self: do not attempt to work on crafting projects (which entails not being able to look at the screen) while watching movies that are in a foreign language or where the ENTIRE STORY is told through interpretive dance. Idiot.

The Grinch - Yeah, this one's still good the 5th time around (or so...I lost count) too and easily my favorite Christmas movie. I know that probably makes me weird, but I didn't grow up watching the original every year. I'm not so attached to it that I consider any attempt at a remake sacrilegious.

Jack Frost - This was cute for the first half hour or so and I liked the Michael Keaton character, but...then it seemed to turn into a very strange mixture of "Chances Are" and "Frosty the Snowman".

A Christmas Story - I don't understand how this qualifies as a classic. It has its moments - mostly connected to the dad, who I think I love - but it's mostly meh.

Ice Age Christmas special - Okay, well...that was a rather painfully sappy attempt to cash in on the Ice Age popularity by slapping a Santa hat on a hastily written script and calling it a Christmas special. Now I see why people are wary of these. I mean, it's not BAD, but it was wholly unnecessary.

Elf - The first five minutes of this were so promising. But the rest...I think I'm too old to really appreciate this one. Actually, I think I was too old to really appreciate it when I stopped believing that other people couldn't see me if I closed my eyes.

White Christmas - Oh, whose genius idea was it to watch a movie where people whine and complain about not having snow for Christmas on a year where EVERYBODY AROUND YOU is doing the same thing because it doesn't snow until New Year's? Good music, though. Gotta love Bing.

Mr. Popper's Penguins - Cheesy kid's movie? Probably. But at this point, I'm just amazed when I actually like something Jim Carrey is in. And in this case, I was in awe of the fact that he didn't look like Jim Carrey. He's all grown up now and playing grown up characters that don't act like annoying mental patients. And he actually does it well! Well played, Jim! Also, the penguins are adorable.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II - I stopped briefly after I read the first two books in the Harry Potter series because I was bored. As far as I could tell they were both exactly the same story, the series didn't appear to be going anywhere fast and fantasy was never really my favorite genre anyway so why bother with the rest? Once I got to the third book however, things started getting interesting and by the end of the fourth I started to really like the story. After I finished the final book, I remember sitting quietly for several minutes just trying to make my way back to reality and all I could think was "wow. That was a rollercoaster of a ride." The movies had pretty much the same effect on me, which I believe is a testament to how faithful they were to the series.

Poltergeist - Okay, this LOOKED like it was going to be another "Close Encounters", but it ended up more in the realm of "The Exorcist". Ridiculous, overly dramatic and not in the least bit scary.

Vertical Limit - How can an action adventure about mountain climbing be so boring? Seriously: how?

Polar Express - I think this is quickly becoming one of my favorite Christmas movies. Yes, the story is so simple it could probably be described as “thin”, but it’s done so beautifully. And the music is gorgeous, but what would you expect from the man who wrote the Forrest Gump “Feather Theme”?

A Muppet Christmas Carol - Screw the original Christmas Carol. THIS is my new holiday classic. The Gonzo and Rizzo sideshow brings all sorts of great comic relief moments to a mostly melodramatic story.

Shrek the Halls - Yeah, still the best Christmas special. A testament to the fact that not all Christmas specials have to look like they are cashing in on a popular series by slapping a Santa hat on it. Some can honestly be *good*.

Bridesmaids - I really don't get what the hype was over this movie. It had a couple good moments, but none of them were really funny. It’s like "Thelma and Louise" but more awkward because they keep trying to shoehorn in humor that appears to be aimed at men who never matured past junior high. (For the record, I liked "Thelma and Louise". (And not just because Brad Pitt was in it.))

Hanna - I've accepted the fact that Cate Blanchett - while totally awesome - is really hit or miss when it comes to choosing movies to star in. This was not one of her best. I mean...not BAD really, but...WEIRD. And how am I supposed to care about any characters when they're all emotional voids that barely qualify as human?

Coming to America – Come to think of it, I take back everything I just said about Cate because as far as I can tell, Eddie Murphy has been trying to completely torpedo his career pretty much since the day this movie came out. Seriously. Pretty much the only good movies he’s done in the last twenty years involved him voicing a talking animal. (And I guess “Dreamgirls” was in there somewhere). So this was nice to see him back when he was at the top of his game.

Geisha Boy - I was kind of wary of Jerry Lewis after seeing "The Nutty Professor", but this was actually really cute and funny. And the little Japanese boy is adorable.

Cowboys & Aliens - Why was everyone dumping on this movie when it came out? It's actually kind of fun. And when you're dealing with aliens whose main energy source is gold, what time period would it make most sense for them to visit Earth in? I admit - at first I was rooting for Indiana Jones to wipe the floor with James Blondie's pouty ass, but...I actually ended up liking Daniel Craig in this movie. This is the kind of role he's good at: the angsty hero with a ton of baggage.

X-Men: First Class – I could nitpick about all the little plot inconsistencies and the fact that Hugh Jackman was tragically absent except for one brief scene, but...damnit, it was GOOD. And I don’t care if that’s only because it was mostly a Magneto prequel and he’s the most interesting, compelling character. THIS is what the Wolverine prequel should have looked like!

Mission: Impossible 4 - When a movie opens with a guy jumping off a roof into a giant airbag and guns blazing in both hands you pretty much know it's going to be an awesome adrenaline rush of a movie. You also know the minute somebody mentions the tallest skyscraper in the world that at some point the plot is going to require Tom Cruise to rappel down the side of it. The fact that the movie met these expectations WHILE having a pretty damn smart script and a decent plot is what makes it an honestly good movie that may ultimately prove to mark the moment people started liking Tom Cruise again (he's still batshit insane, but at least he does good movies! CAN WE ADMIT VALKYRIE WAS A GOOD MOVIE NOW?!).

Smoke Signals - This seems appropriately reflective of everything Sherman Alexie (author and main character) writes. Which is to say it has funny moments and some good characters but it's mostly weird and scatological.

Panda Adventures - This could have been a great kids movie (assuming kids movies are meant to be predictable, sappy Disney fair), but the dialogue seems to be the result of an experiment to see if monkeys really can write Shakespeare and the actors are not good enough to pull it off. In fact, I'm pretty sure the main kid would have been bad no matter what material he was given, which is probably why he seems to have quit acting altogether a decade ago.

Holy Man - Now I remember all the bad reviews this movie had when it first came out. And since it was smack in the middle of the sinking ship that had become Eddie Murphy’s filmography before Shrek came along, it really never stood a chance. It had potential, but it mostly walked the line between "kinda cute" and "really awkward and weird".

Sissi - Oh, look at that, it's every Disney princess story rolled into one all-purpose fairy tale except it's a (mostly) true story and it's set in Austria. What a quaint, romantic...wait, why do they keep calling their mother-in-laws "Auntie"? Oh. They were first cousins. I guess the fact that they hadn't met each other before makes that a little less creepy, but...no. It's still creepy. But as long as I think of it as a period biopic and ignore the romance subplot, it's good. And by "subplot" I mean "the plot". JUST THINK OF IT AS A PERIOD PIECE ANYWAY.

Sarah's Key - Kristin Scott Thomas has all the warmth of a marble statue. Which does not do this movie any favors because you are supposed to learn about a previously little-known atrocity of WWII with her and feel the emotional connection she feels with the little girl who went through such an unimaginable tragedy that she could never have a normal life. The book is much better is what I'm saying.

Larry Crowne - I remember saying once that Tom Hanks movies tend to be really hit or miss. This was definitely a miss. I mean, it had three good lines or so but the rest was painful.

Skin Game - I had to quit a half hour into this because the sound was so bad I couldn't understand what was going on. It's probably a minor miracle it was salvageable at all given it's age and obscurity, but if you can't understand what's going on, it's impossible to appreciate it.

Dangerous Beauty - I knew women were scapegoated throughout the Dark Ages. She's a little odd? Burn her as a witch. She's showing signs of being able to think for herself? Burn her. She can't cook and do laundry properly? Burn her. I guess being attractive enough that married men want to pay them for sex is a natural extension of this sort of absurd thinking, but it also reinforces my belief that men are all assholes willing to treat women as sub-human when it was their own damn fault in the first place. Ahem. Until proven otherwise, of course.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes – When will humans ever learn that movies always depict us as the cause of our own annihilation for a REASON? Some day I’m going to watch this and the original back to back and see if they actually hold up, but for now I’m going to just enjoy this movie as a totally plausible precursor. And it’s just as good the second time as the first.

Water for Elephants - Christopher Waltz is never getting out of that typecasting rut, is he? He's just too GOOD at it. And the fact that Robert Pattinson is actually able to hold his own against him instantly elevates him in my opinion. Maybe one day we will look back at the Twilight movies and say "well, that was embarrassing, but at least they launched Robert's career!" The movie has a definite "Titanic at the circus" vibe to it, but only in the best of ways (and coming from me, that can be considered a compliment).

Hugo – Martin Scorsese keeps surprising me. First there was “Kundun” and now this homage to early filmmaking in 1930s France. In 3-D so you can really drool at the sight of the warm croissants coming out of the bakery oven. And while the plot may have been thin, this immersion into the environment made the movie worth it. It LOOKS like 1930s France (as long as the characters are indoors, anyway). It is gorgeous and makes me homesick even though I wasn’t born in France.

Count:

Brad Pitt: 0 (*cries*)

Frank Sinatra: 1 1/8 although I didn't recognize him for that 1/8.

Hugh Jackman: 1 1/8 (My television screen: in danger of being covered in tongue prints every time I watch one of Hugh's movies.)

Anthony Hopkins: 2 (Anthony Hopkins in FRONT of the camera: 1, and in the one that makes me wonder about his acting choices)

Andy Serkis: 2 (non-computer-generated Andy Serkis: 1, but at least this time they were BOTH good)

Meryl Streep: 2 (Oh, how I love thee, let me count the ways...)

Reese Witherspoon: 2 (Reese Witherspoon being oddly meak and bland: both)

Cillian Murphy: 2 (Cillian's eyes: breathtakingly creepy)

Gregory Peck: 2 (I believe I've already made it clear I'd listen to him read a phone book?)

Jim Carrey: 2 (and I liked both of them. Holy hell, it's a MIRACLE!)

Tom Hanks: 2 (and I only liked one of them. Damnit, Tom, get a better agent!)

Eddie Murphy: 3 (I'll consider liking 2 out of 3 a win since this is the man whose movies of late have consisted mostly of him dressing like a fat woman and making fart jokes)

French movies: 3 (Number of these staring Audrey Tautou: 1 (Really? That's it? But, she's, like, the female version of Gerard Depardieu!) (Yes, really. Wait, who are you?) (Don't worry about it))

Michael Cain: 3 (Seeing Batman's assistant working with Wolverine and testifying in a trial that he saw his former employer murder his current one although in actuality he had already murdered himself with technology he bought from David Bowie: priceless)