At a house in a quiet suburban neighborhood, some women are preparing for a party. One announces that Heather just texted to say she and "grammy" are outside. Everyone hides and turns off the lights and "grammy", who is Aidy in a white wig, enters grumbling about how cold the restaurant was. The woman behind her - Heather obviously, loudly announces that they're all so happy about her getting remarried at age 83. Grammy asks why the hell she giving a speech right in her ear in the dark house. Heather says she knows Grammy didn't want a bachelorette party, but... The lights come on and the other women jump out and yell surprise. She starts gasping and grabbing her chest and they sit her down in a chair where she promptly slumps over "dead". The completely clueless twits put sunglasses and a tiara on her and continue with the party. To answer the question of just how uncomfortable this sketch could get, the women call in the strippers they ordered, which is Benedict and a guy who looks like the lost Hemsworth brother dressed as construction workers delivering a large load of "wood".
This is the point where I took the headphones off and, because I still can't seem to fast forward through this episode because VLC player hates me, just let it play in the background while I continue typing. I can only imagine that this was actually written by Aidy because every time I check to see what's going on back there Benedict is licking her face or rubbing his crotch on her. But the only part that made me laugh instead of cringe was when I discovered that I can, in fact, fast forward through this but everyone will sound like a chipmunk. I stop fast forwarding sometime after Aidy slides onto the floor and Benedict squats over her face in a teabagging motion. She is clearly struggling to keep a straight face and probably mentally cackling at all the women who are jealous of her. Three more guys come in dressed...well, half dressed...in Chicago Cubs uniforms and the audience cheers. "Heather" says wait...those are the real Chicago Cubs. The black guy pops open his shirt to show off his pretty impressive abs and asks who wants to hit a Granny Slam. One of the other three makes a joke about pulling a "triple header" and totally fails to keep a straight face. They all start gyrating over her before mercifully cutting to commercial.
Jesus. There always has to be one.
When did the musical performances start coming with an ad for Apple tunes? No, fuck you. I refuse to go back to Apple products like a woman crawling back to an abuser because nobody else will ever love her like he did.
I would skip entirely over the Weekend Update because watching election coverage may never not be painful again, but that was before I realized they brought back Dana Carvey to play the Church Lady. "She" passive aggressively notes that instead of going to bed so their fresh for church in the morning, they're staying up late to "make jokes about Anthony's wiener". Well...they're not above ANY sort of wiener jokes, clearly. Have you seen the show lately? Colin - one of the hosts - notes that Jesus loves a good joke though. Church Lady says yes, he does. Got any? Um...no. Again, have you seen the show lately? Colin asks what she thinks of the election. She says it's a tough choice. A bitter android from the nineties or a fat, orange riverboat gambler. Colin says so she hasn't decided. She says Jesus isn't on the ballot, so...no. And he's probably not part of Colin's life either because, like everyone in Hollywood, he's probably a homosexual. Colin lets the audience laugh for a second or two, then asks why they're laughing. Because it dispels the awkwardness? Church Lady tells him to just go ahead and stay in the cupboard and identifies the only three celebrities she is sure are not homosexual: Jim Parsons, Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Lane. Yeah. Colin has some bad news for her. But let's get back to the election, shall we? Church Lady asks who Colin is going to support, guessing he'll just write in his usual favorite of Satan. Because he's just a late night comic with a "belly full of booze and a dressing room full of whores." She asks if he's drunk right now. He says no. Well...maybe a little buzzed. Nothing like what he's going to be on Wednesday. Church Lady concludes that he's smoking pot then and, indicating that maybe she saw that last sketch: "sucking on the devil's cigarette." Colin asks if there's anything out there she DOES like right now. "Westworld," she says with a straight face. Colin is like 'wait...really?' She says yeah, what's not to like? "A land of naked cowboy robots fornicating. They should have called it West Hollywood." In the weak laughter that follows that joke, she asks "too soon?" No, just too not funny.
She says no, seriously, she never loses hope. And we have a lovely little country here. Sappy music starts playing as she says sometimes she looks around and thinks to herself "what a wonderful world." Colin says wait...she's not going to sing now, is she? Yep. She sings a refrain of "Wonderful World" while images from the election cycle flash over her shoulder.
The Weekend Update ends with a song - "Go Cubs, Go" - by the three Cubs players from earlier, joined by Bill Murray for some reason. And on that note, I'm starting to get a bit buzzed myself, so I'm just going to go eat something to hopefully soak some of it up and maybe watch an episode of Westworld even though what I've seen so far is completely deranged and possibly represents the height of gratuitousness that cable is capable of.